Zelda on Crack n Steroids
by Zeni Riri
Summary: ...I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did. But I don't. I create laffs as a life style, but not conical nonsense. All AU, many braincells have died.
1. Lonk and Onox on Crack

**Hoi! I know. I'm slacking off again. Well. It _is_ summer anyway. My time to FINALLY relax... and besides, what a better way to harshly and violently shake off this ugly writer's block than this way?**

 **Oh, who am I kidding no matter how hard I try it never goes away. I will write moar!**

* * *

 _Inspired by Tingles Reveng: The Tingling by AlexNight002_

So won dai dis geye name Lank waz all liek "hey yew dud in the perpol and bunni eers wats yer problum?" And uv corse he waz taking abowt Ravio from a lonk btween werlds. So Raveo saed "leev me alown im jus eeten milk for dener." So lonk got mad N he yoosed his sord and tuk his sowrd an stabd racio in the fase. But poof! it waz just a dreem and lonk wok up to a blew farey. The farey juped on liknes hed. "Haye im Ciela and iym gunna bloooww uuuuuuuuupp!11!?1!"

And thrn syela bloo up and then tha grate farey ov ice showd up.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!11!1!1!1" Link screemed. Then the ise faerey tuk Lokn and talekeneted him two Talus Cave. Wen Lenk got ther, he was so superizd that he screemd rely hrd. And then he slipd and fel two his deth. De nd.

Or was it!

Lader that dai Leonk ate LonLon malk and he waz drnk and mad. He wuz mad bcuz he dyed. Then al ov a suden Onox apered and he waz mad an drnk to so Liokk slaped a yelow buk at him and then Onocks crid.

"Ow y did yeou do that to mee i waz goin te mak my self smol!'n" cris Onocs.

"Becuz im mand and drnk" yeld Lernk.

"But y now im so med now i m gowing to gro insted of smol now im going to stomp on u!'nnnn" and Onex did jus dat. Dend Jeny from De Bloc strded playeing wile Oknex stomped on Lernnki seventeen thowsasnd and googolplecks tims. Thenk the Ise Fareey apperd and kiled Onnebx wish her dnxhdj. The ends.

Wayt wats a "dnxhdj"?

* * *

 **Jenny from the Block- Jennifer Lopez**


	2. Malon on Crack

**Something a little less brain cell-killing.**

* * *

On day in the unsunken Hyrule, Lonk went to le place where the things called Cuckoos where. I went too because I'm a speck of dust that follows people around. Oh noes m y identity is revealed oh well anyway back to Lank. So Lank went to that place and then he saw a dead girl do Lenk went over to her and says to hiseldf "Oh noe I think she is ded!"

So he takes a fairy our of a bottle and the fairy revived the girl and she sat up and then she was linke "AGH no I was ded but oh my goodness Wat is this guy next to me? AAAH it's that fairy boy except he looks different oh no what happened."

So Lunk rooked confuse but then he says "My name is Lonk wats yers?"

And The dead girl who is not ded anymore says to him "Oahi don't you remember me I'm Malon."

And Lank says "Melon? Yer a melon? But yer hair isa red!"

And Malon says "NO IM MALON. M-A-L-O-N." And she slapped Lenk.

And then Melon says "anyway you looks familiar are you the same hero who went back in time to save Hyrule and then came back to warn the princess about the fate and then something dumb happensds and so Hyrule gots flooded?"

And Lunk was like, "Oh! Is that how you died? Is there other people?"

So Malon see "Yest and yes."

And then Lonk decided to skip all the way with Meolon to the forest Becuas Melon neededd to strech her legs. then they went in, and they turned into skill kids and the end.


	3. Love Triangles and Betrayal on Crack

**Finally. ε-(´∀｀; ) A fanfic of mine that gets more than two chapters...**

* * *

So remembr wen Zulda gots kid naped by Vati? Wel Zolda actshualy likd him. Ys, yoo herd me. Selda likd Vatti, so she didnt wnat ti get savd. But she new she had to, so she cold rool Hyrool. Dis is hao tha storie gos:

Vatie coms out n maks a wind storm. Then Lenk polls the Fwor Swrd n splets intoo for. Vattee steels Seldah n deh Siks Madens n taks her awaye. Then All de links go sav her. But Zeldo waz marryd to Vayty bcuz she lovd him. So she sez that she wel rool Hyrool n somdai mak Vaaai king. At frst, she wantd him ded bcus she didnt lik him, but den ovr tim, she got usd two him n startf to lik him mor n mor. So Lniek desided too let Zerlda pot Vatii in thhe For Sowrd so he cold com bak agen somdai.

But den da Sicks Madens lovd him to. But Zeldrr sed no. So den thr maydens kild her. So Lenk got so mad n he sed thet he lovd Zelde. But madens des that Zelds lovd Vaeti. But Vatuu sed he lovd madens, and madens sed they lovd Lernk. Noa tht Selda is ded, Vatee waz mad king and Hirool waz in trobol. So LEnk had too keel hem. But wen he did, al da pepol wer mad becus Lonk kild ther king. But den Zelfa waz bac to lif agen and she kild lenk for kilng Vaati. But den de madens kild Zleder for kiling Lonk for Liking Vaati. But den the ppol keld the madens becuz dey kild de prinses. So som randum rich gurl waz mad prinses who waz also namd Zelda. But litl did dey now dat dat gerl was da reel Zelde.

But den she floo hrslf too Guroodow Valy n deyed of heet.

Theh hend.


	4. Family Ties on Crack

**I once read _Legend of Adoption_ by alphonsethedinosaur. It was nice.**

* * *

So won day Ganondorf waz lonly do he got a gurlfend and dey got marid but den dey wanted a kid so Ganondorf's gurlfend waz liek hey we shold go two da adopshon senter in Casle Town and Ganondorf waz all liek nooooo becus dey sed so and Ganondorf's girl was al liek but we cun go and get on besids its not liek we are criminalz or somting. So Genondorf sed okay and dey went do adompt a xhild and dey idd and wen dey did dey adompted a boi namd Link. Link wuz blond and he was little four hiz age and he was seven and he waz cyute. So Genondorf and hiz gerlfrend went home and dey livd in Gerudo Valley so it wuz weerd four Lunk but hee got used to it.

Den won day wen Lenk was a teen he waz sixteen and he savd the wourld alredy and he got into argument with Genondorf and he lefy him aand Ganondorf sed that Linke will regret it but Link didn't listen. So wen Link left he went do different countries like Termina and Holodrum and Labryanna and Lanayru adm Faron and Eldin and Ordona and he married Zulda and lived with her az king.

Some yeerz later wen Link waz like 28 or something, link came back ro Geudo Valley to see huz dad Gamondorf and Ganondorf waz old and sick an almost dyeing becz he is dumb. Ganondorf's gurlfend waz ded and Link went to apologize tu Ganodorf and Ganondorf wuz happie amd dey hugged and Link wuz happie. The end.

* * *

 **The music video to the song _Never Gone_ by Colton Dixon is also an inspiration for this chapter.**


	5. Serial Killer on Crack

**I decided to use proper grammar and spelling this time.**

* * *

Aryll, Link's sister, was crazy. Yes, crazy. When she was captured by that crazy weird bird thing, she borrowed a dagger that Mila had. But since she was so young, Mila made a mistake to trust Aryll with it, because as soon as nighttime came, Aryll cut both Mila and Maggie's tongues off. They died. Aryll had magic that no one knew about, so she called two of her seagull friends and turned them into Mila and Maggie, so no one knew that she killed them. When Ganondorf saw that Aryll killed the girls, he decided to make her his secret assassin. And she agreed. Aryll wasn't scared. Nope. She wasn't feeling guilty that she killed them. Nope. She was ready.

So her first killing was in Dragon Roost Island. Ganondorf wanted her to kill some weird Rito people because he thought they looked ugly. So Aryll went at night to cut off the tongues of Komali's sister, mom, aunt, uncle, grandpa, grandma, and cousins. Basically it's was all of his family except him and his dad. They all died, and she was never caught. On her way back, she had some nice roasted wings. They were good to her because she was crazy. Aryll's next killing was in Outset Island. She had cut the tongues of many people there. That's why there are barely any people there. Now because she was crazy, she killed two whole families, her own grandpa, some kids whom she hated. She even killed her crush, but, in a different way.

She stabbed him in the shoulders, then the hip, then she stabbed his head multiple times before throwing him in the ocean. She went back, while eating her grandma's soup. Because she was crazy. When she returned, she gave Ganondorf a great big hug, because they treated each other like family. And because they felt like it, Aryll created a fake Aryll to go live with Link, and the real Aryll and Ganondorf worked together to get Hyrule back. But of course, Ganondorf was stopped. So Aryll was so mad that she cut off the tongue of anyone she could find who was near Hyrule used to be.

And that, is what really happened. The end.

* * *

 **For the record, I actually went to a beach today.**


	6. King Daphnes(and his origins) on Crack

**Okay. Back to the brain cell killing words. I'm so cool. Heheh. So how are you? You like to type? Share your thoughts on fanfictions? Type your thoughts to share on fanfictions? Perfect! Then you can review for me! I'm always checking to see if there's new reviews! And as for questions, just pm me! :3**

* * *

Sow one dai, der wuz a dud namd King Daphnes. King Dafnez wuz cool— butt he wuz a white screen. Yus, a white screen. White screens ar comun in Hyrool, bcuz the grayte white screen queen of Hyroole once sed "I'm gonna mayk white screenz!1!11!111!"

And then she throo a glas playte at King Dafnez and he turned intoo a white screen. It wuz an Amazon sight!

But anywayze, stowaway time iz four latr. Sow Dafnez wuz Cole, and he was so Cole that he yuzed himself too Cole down hot things. (Oh yeah an he new Chancellor cool too) he cold coowel doun hiz bwekfust or hiz dinner or his lumpnch, or hiz sneck, or his afternoon sneck, or huz after-breakfast snack, or hiz after-lunch snack, or his adore dinner snack or hiz midnight smack or hiz after-snack snack.

Won other ding that makes King Dafnezz cool iz bcuz he hed a dawter namd Zerlda. Zerlda wuz so Jeff thet he went to Gerudo Valley in a swimsuit and Swimudo Valley turned to icee. Shee alwayz sez "I got mai kewlness frum me deddy, bcuz he iz a whit skreeen..!.!1!1" dat wuz her traydmarke saying, but yew never get to heer her sai it.

de last rezon King Dapnz waze so kewel, wuz bcuz his Pete were oll rockz. Evry singul won ov hiz petz. His pet rock doge, hiz pet roc ceat, hiz pet rockk hamter, his pet ruck snacke, hiz pet wrock mowse, hiz put rocke ant, and hiz pete rocck chimera. All of de pet wrocks did not need cleening or feeding or wolking or playing withing . Dey wuz so cool like King Dapnez the white screen and hiz dawter Prinzess Zoulda the whit screen. De end.


	7. Zelda on Crack

**Ohai welcome to me 200+ viewer special chapter. It's the real Zelda. And on crack. Also. Um. Huge problem. Tons of people have stopped reading this fic. Is it not good enough anymore? This is truly heartbreaking... Well, enjoy, the last few people who are still reading this...**

* * *

Hi there. I'm Zelda. There really isn't much to me, except that I'm the princess of Hyrule and I'm the holder of the Triforce of wisdom, because I'm Zelda. I don't exactly get everything I want, but I still get stuff. But. I do get free everything. Because im Zelda. I also get a huge wardrobe! Because I'm Zelda. And when people refer to the actress or the Sabrina the Teenage Witch character, others think of me! Because I'm Zelda. Oh yeah and the whole Hilda thing is not a coincidence. And I am almost always at important events and parties n such, because I'm Zelda.

I have always blonde hair and blue eyes, because I'm Zelda. And I always wear pink and purple, unless it's that one day I wear blue or black, because I'm Zelda. I'm basically look like a goddess, even though I'm fifteen, because I'm Zelda. I have my own clothing and makeup named after me, and even footwear and accessories, and clothes because I'm Zelda. They say I'm as smart as a cuccoo, because I'm Zelda. If I ever did have red hair or dirty blonde hair again, I'd go nuts, because I'm Zelda. And I will never ever ever go tan or pale, or even brown. I would go psychotic. Because I am Zelda.

I will never be the least favorite person, because everyone knows I'm Zelda; but if you call me Link... Oh, you better say your last prayer. Because I will be the one responsible for your death. Because I'm Zelda. Some may call me a liar; a poser; a cheater; fake; cliche; a spoiled brat; lazy; dirty; an idiot; two faced; worry wart; or a dumb goddess, but the moment you call me Link? You will never see the light of day again. I will rip your head to shreds, and use your body for a floor mat at the palace steps. Oh and I will deprive your family of their money so they can't pay for your funeral. Because I am Zelda.


	8. Ravio's Autocorrect Curse (i was tired)

**Finally, chapter ten. This chapter was inspired by a conversation me an my friend once had about autocorrect. I'm so bored. Enjoy. Review. I need reviews.**

* * *

Ah, Racio. The one bunny dude everyone loves. Wait. Racio? No no no, it's RAVIO. Ah, stupid autocorrect. Anyway, Radio is very cool. Although he is very greedy about money, Ratio is a good-hearted boy. Oh dear... It seems autocorrect wants to mess with me.

One day, Ravioli wanted to take a stroll along Lorule's most beloved lake, except, he couldn't. Why, you ask? Well, because he was Ravioli! We all know Ravioli is not alive. It's food! This made Ravio's blood boil.

"Why does autocorrect not like my name? Am I too cool for you?!"

Of course, the author, who was very bored at the time, had not noticed what was happening to poor Raveo.

So, racio decided that he would go to Princess Hilda for this situation. Hilda was sure to make autocorrect end its dumb and really really really really really really really stupid non-sensical ways(needed a sixth line for this paragraph:P). So when Rave went to her castle, he immediately went into a panic because now autocorrect was getting rid of one letter in is name and adding an "e". So Hilda said, "Hey, don't freak out, I know what to do." And she stepped off her throne and stop in front of him.

"All you have to do is get the author's attention and tell them to make sure they have the right word typed up! Then, you're name shall not be other than "Ravio".

So Racist was excited, but then he was surprised because now his name is "Racist"... She he got mad. He shouted at the author.

"Hey! That's not my name! Stop getting it wrong! Make sure you type it right before you finish the sentence, and stop being lazy!"

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I was doing a good job... You see, whenever I type your name, my device considers is incorrect, therefore, there will be a red dotted line under it. If I click on it, for that's what my reflexes do, it will correct itself. My apologies, Ravio. Though, still, the red line bothers me so...

So Ravio was now satisfied. So he went home, now happy that the author is more careful about spelling his name.

Ah, Ravio. The one bunny dude everyone loves. Ravio is very cool. Although he is vey greedy about money, Ravio is a good-hearted boy. One say, Ravio wanted to take a stroll along Lorule's most beloved lake. And he could, because he is Ravio, and not anyone else.

Too bad the word "no" still autocorrects to "Pecan Pie"...


	9. Gary Stu on Crack

**Once upon a time there was a girl who loved to make people laugh... But no one cared for her or her humorous stories. She made chapter eleven, only for about four people to read it thereafter, a contrasting change from chapter one, which had over one hundred.**

* * *

Once upon a time there was a boy who was seventeen years of age, and his name was Jeff. He was sow cool that he was the strongest Hyrulean knight and he was best fronds with Princess Zelda.

All of the Hyrule people loved Jeff because he was handsome and super frikin strong and super smart and super awesome and Jeff was better than Link. Did I tell you his name was Jeff?

One day, Jeff was sent to the supermarket to get chocolate. The princess was gonna make Oreo cookies with chocolate and Nutella, and she wanted him to get some for her. So Jeff went, and since he was so awesome, he didn't have to pay rupees for the chocolate, and he got a ton of it for free. So Jeff went to the castle and Zelda made a thousand million trillion Oreo cookies made out of chocolate and Nutella.

All of a sudden, Ganondorf showed up. He was gonna steal all of the Oreos because he was evil. He told everyone, "If you answer this riddle incorrectly, I will steal all of the Oreo cookiessss!" And everyone was all like "OH NOES!"

So Ganondorf said his riddle. He said it loudly so everyone in all of the castle could hear his riddle.

"Owen's name is Sean. What is Owen's name?" He told them. So Zelda, since she was the wisdom, said her answer.

"His name is Sean!"

"HAHA, NOPE." Said Ganondork, and he started to take all of the cookies. BUT. Did you forget that Jeff is super smart? Stepping up to Ganondorf, he asked for a second chance.

"HMMM. NOPE. WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER. IM STUCK ON CAPS LOCK ANYWAY." Ganondorf agreed.

"Would you mind to repeat the riddle?" He asked.

"OWEN'S NAME IS SEAN. WHAT IS OWEN'S NAME?" Ganondorf said his riddle once more.

"It's Owen."

"OMIGOSH YOU'RE RIGHT YOU WIINNN WAAAAAAHHHHH!" Ganondorf was surprised and he went all the way home crying because he is dumb. And the cookies were saved by Jeff.

"Oh, wow, Jeff, you're the most smartest person ever! You should be the overlord ruler King emperor of Hyrule be cause you were strong and smart and courageous!" Zelda said.

"Oaky, I will." Jeff said, and he was overlord ruler King emperor of Hyrule. The end.


	10. Kafei's Null Imagination on Crack

**"I ain't sorry. No, no, hail naw." — Beyoncé**

* * *

When Kafei was little, he had no imagination. He was too stupid. His momma didn't like him because he was lacking in creativity. In school, he couldn't do creative writing because he was so dull. Then one day he met a girl named Anju. He went home that day and told his momma what happened.

"Momma, I saw this pretty girl at school today. She had red hair, almost sunburst orange! And she had blue eyes, like cerulean, I think. And she had a pretty blue dress, with lots of frills on the bottom, and a gold-like hemline for the collar, and—"

His momma interrupted him.

"Kafei, where did you learn to speak with such detail?"

"I don't know." He replied.

"Well, if you keep reading those books, maybe you will learn. It's amazing, really."

So the next day, when Kafei went to school, he read lots and lots of books. Then, at recess, Anju sat next to him. She was smiling and giggling because he was reading a girly book. He looked at Anju.

"Oh, hi."

"Hi, Kafei. Why are you reading a girly book?"

"Because momma told me if I read a lot of books, I cloud learn to be descriptive and creative. But it's not working. I can't really think."

So Anju told him, "well if you try to picture in your head what is going on, maybe you can understand. Read the first sentence of that page."

So he read it.

"'Tyniah put on her frilliest mute pink tutu and she cartwheeled carefully out of the old door downstairs out of the chocolate milk factory.' So. What."

"What do think is happening? Try to picture it in your head. What do you see?" Anju asked him.

"...I see... A little girl... And she looks like a ballet dancer... She's cartwheeling out of an old rusty door, and down the stairs... But even though it's impossible. And, I see a factory making chocolate milk."

"GOOD GRACIOUS YO DID IT." Anju screamed. Kafei got startled.

"You yuzed descriptive words to explain the picture in which you created in your head by reading that sentence! This is truly a miracle!"

••••••

Soon, a few weeks later, Anju was moving away. She promised she would see Kafei again, but she never came back. In that time, Kafei forgot how to be creative and descriptive. His momma tried to help, but it was hopeless.

Anju, who was moved away to Hyrule, made a plan to see Kafei when they were older. She also smacked him in the back of the head with a frying pan, which explains why he went back to the way he was before.


	11. Linebeck is Actually on Crack

hullo moi name is Lynbek an I'm took drugs. drugs aer bad. az yoo cun see, I'm reely high and is probublee gonna die toodaey. but is okeys, i only took 53792027bi. doses of jellyfish mixcked with tar. Or did i inject maryjuana? i forgots BUT WANYWAYS. Todayy i brot Cyella wit me to caerfuly demonstrat how being highh cant work around any layydies. OW CIELA DON SLAPP ME I'm HIGH. And that iz how not to pizz of a femeninist. OW OKAYY CYELLA I KNOW YER NOT A FEMEMNENEIST, SHADDUP! HAOW DO YEW DO DAT YOUR A FRIGKIN BALL WIT WINGZ!

-two hours later, a timeskip brought to you by Tetra-

Okaey so I'm hidin in a underwater pirat shippe becuze cyiellah wass chacing me daouwn. she sed that if i kep talking tu yew i might get yous all to start gettings drunk on loopy and henessyy. or am i high? oh i forgots but anywat kids dont do water. but wait how am i talkinblublublublublu

* * *

 **Even when I am trying, this did not have anything close to the exact length I wanted. This is too short, ugh!**

 **-Yes, Linebeck is both high and drunk.**


	12. Vaati's Bracelet addiction on Crack

Do you ever wonder why people love wearing bracelets? I sure don't. Do you love wearing them? Me too! But what about your all time favorite villain with a super messed up backstory? Yep. He does too. Vaati the Wind Mage was addicted to bracelets. You never knew it, but he had five bracelets of any kind on his wrists in those cool sleeves. Ones of many colors, and sized, and even ones with charms. Yes, boys can like pretty things too. No homosexuality needed.

But one day, before Vaati could go another day looking for the light force, he was having trouble figuring out what five bracelets to wear. If he even was to encounter that brat Link, he would at least look his best. He went to a bracelet specialist(yes they exist) to help him. The colour of bracelets for a day a villain would finally find what he was looking for? Perfect purple and red, to match his outfit. Although it's the same outfit he has had since like 456 hours ago so it's pretty gross if you ask me but AANYWAYS...

So soon enough Vaati encountered the stupid kid Link and he was so mad at Vaati for what he did to Zelda that he was tempted to just stab him right then and there. But Ezlo stopped him before he could make one movement towards Vaati. The purple grape on the other hand, was admiring his own bracelets. He gushed at how pretty they were, and all of a sudden, the only thing to gush was blood. His hands were chopped off! No longer was Vaati to be addicted to bracelets, because Link had enough. Ezlo wished Link never learned how to hate weirdos.

* * *

 **I've been having heart pains almost every day recently. I'm not sure what is happening to me, but I just now had a real bad one, so I'm going to complain to my dad about it right now. If I stop updating I'm probably being hospitalized or something. I don't know. Review please! I love to see them!**


End file.
